Day 26: Blue Like A Bruise
Before reading would you take a moment and vote for me to win a free Ironman entry at http://bit.ly/1flSLJY.
I am not even sure what to say today. Part of me is feeling good for getting back into the routine of training–on week 2 day 2 and my training peaks is all green. Part of me is feeling a bit defeated because my knee is still bruised and swollen. I am not sure I can endure taking a step back each time I take a step forward.
I want to move forward–really I want to fast forward. I want to get this behind me. I want to get back to where I was on September 18, 2013 when the doctor uttered the words, “we found a tumor in your femur.” I was probably in the best shape of my adult life at that point in time, which I know helped me to get thru all this and gave me a head start post surgery. But I miss some of the little things that I still can’t do like being able to catch up with someone who is a little ahead of me, walking up and down stairs without having to take one step at a time, wearing super cute shoes and jumping (I realize now that I naturally jump or hop a lot–guess it’s from all that volleyball growing up).
Maybe it’s because it’s Cancer Awareness Day that the journey is so every present in my mind today. From September 18 to October 7, we all hoped and prayed it wasn’t, but still worried that it might be cancer. Only after I woke up in the recovery room, did I find out that it was benign. Even after it was out we still talked about cancer, because in some ways the fight is similar. We still had to get it out, we still have to make sure it hasn’t spread, and we still have to regularly check to make sure it doesn’t come back for a long time to come.
While my tumor is not very common, my journey is not unique. Many people are walking around, carrying a burden that they didn’t ask for or an injury they never imagined they would have and my heart hurts for them. Many people are struggling with pursuing their big dreams because obstacles have gotten in their way. My hope for them is the same one that I have for myself…that we can see beyond the frustration of now to the hope of what’s to come, that we can surround ourselves with people to encourage us along the way, and that we can hold on to the big dreams that started us along this path in the first place.
I have to remind myself regularly that finding the tumor was a good thing, that had I not been training for Ironman Florida we may not have found it until my bone had broken, that things could be much worse. If that doesn’t make me feel better, than I recall how tough that first night was in the hospital not even being able to get out of bed, or the very first time I tried to walk up stairs un crutches, or the itching—oohh the itching, and I am reminded about how far I have already come. And then my mind wanders back to the big dreams I have for the future which is why it would mean a lot to win the contest I entered for a free entry to an Ironman race–one less obstacle for me to get to the finish line and to grab that dream and make it a reality.